My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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