I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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