Yo dont text me then not text me
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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