I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Don't make out with my wife yet
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
