I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
