college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
