I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
