You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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