sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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