I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Randomize
