Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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