I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
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