Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
