I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
