I wish I only lived at night.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
and she was petting her beer can
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
