Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
