The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Randomize
