I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
