So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
