Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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