Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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