dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
