so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
