I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Randomize
