well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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