this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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