Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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