forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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