So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
