Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She's the barista slut.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
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