The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I need to wash the frat house off of me
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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