I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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