you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
