My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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