brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
