I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
