"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
