Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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