She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
The uberlube is also flammable
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
