yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Randomize
