Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
