I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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