He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
