So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
