a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Randomize
