I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
MIDGETS
????
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
