Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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