Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
