He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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