i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
